I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
