the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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