We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
