life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
