everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
