how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Sorry about my life...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
