Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I need moral support for this bender
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
