did you get engaged???
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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