That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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