at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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