There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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