We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
