I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
