Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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