He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
