11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
