the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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