The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
