Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
