Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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