I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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