i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
