At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
