I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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