when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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