my mouth tastes like poor choices
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
