dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize