Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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