so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
