I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
