i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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