I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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