he told me I talked like a deaf person
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
