The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
As shirtless as possible
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
