if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
