Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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