Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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