I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
