I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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