Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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