i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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