I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
