You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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