I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
