Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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