I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
