what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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