God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
