The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
