I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
