hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
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