Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
