Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
