Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Randomize
