my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
