My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
