in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
