Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
