is your mom at the bar?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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