there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
