From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize